From Grief to Growth: A Midlife Woman’s Guide to Transforming Rage

Whether you are in midlife, menopause or just feeling the winds of change, there is a time in most women’s lives when an unspoken anger bubbles (or geysers) up to the surface, because… it can no longer be ignored.

No… you’re not “losing it.”

Think of it as a sign that your priorities have shifted, and your mind, body, and spirit are signaling that it’s time to realign.

Maybe you’re experiencing small things turning into big irritations. Or out of the blue, moods can shift, and anger or sadness can erupt. Hormones have their own timetable, and very few among us is prepared. Unlike puberty or childbirth, this road is not as well documented, though it’s certainly equally well-travelled.  

Know that if you are experiencing this, you are not alone. According to the NIH, 1.3 million women, in the U.S. alone, enter menopause yearly.

And menopause is only one of the triggers. Many of us have teens going off to school, so with empty nesting, suddenly we have to get to know our partners and ourselves in a whole new way. Does that resonate?

Often there’s caregiving expected as well, when parents become older and require our support. At the same time, at work, there’s always pressure, but now, with brainfog and the occasional hot flash (during meetings, zoom calls etc.) the office culture may see that as “aging out.” Even how we look at ourselves is often changing, and it’s easy for self-confidence to take a hit.

Hormonal shifts are real. For some, it’s more pronounced than for others. Which of these have you experienced?

• Hot flashes & night sweats
• Unusual weight gain
• Mood swings, anxiety, depression
• Brain fog, memory issues
• Sleep disturbances
• Low libido, vaginal dryness
• Joint pain or muscle aches
• Bone density loss
• Fatigue or low energy

Time to Get Support:

But, instead of thinking that you’re going crazy, the invitation is to get support. Many well-meaning medical professionals have had ZERO or minimal training in menopause. Don’t settle for “Here’s some anti-depressants; that should take care of it.” There is whole array of treatments (possibly including HRT) available, not to just “band-aid” the symptoms, but to treat the cause. Consider the Menopause Society (https://portal.menopause.org/NAMS/NAMS/Directory/Menopause-Practitioner.aspx) to find a certified expert in your area.

Emotional triggers can cut deep, like:

• Kids empty nesting – who am I without that identity?
• Waning Fertility – what if I wanted a family?
• Unfulfilled Dreams - I “should” have been further along; what’s in store for me?
• Fears of being replaced by a younger model – at work or in partnership if drifting apart
• Frustration at always putting others’ needs ahead of your own – tolerance is getting thin

Because there is very little room for authentic expression (even to ourselves) when there’s societal pressure to “hold it all together,” we are conditioned to keep all the balls in the air, at any cost. That takes a toll and research shows that grief festers and explosive rage can erupt at even trivial triggers (Johnson & Brown, 2018).

The Neuroscience of Unprocessed Grief

Neuroscience reveals that chronic stress (anyone??) and elevated cortisol levels rewire the amygdala, the part of the brain that helps process emotions, amplifying reactive rage (Doe & Lee, 2020).  Also, declining estrogen levels weaken the prefrontal cortex’s ability to connect (Garcia et al., 2019) and keep things orderly. No wonder it’s not unusual to “fly off the handle.”

If Not Now, When?

What if we looked at rage differently: as the soul, mind or spirit’s (psyche's) cue that long-suppressed grief and unmet needs have to surface? We need that to move forward.

What if instead of pathologizing rage, we could understand/befriend it, recognizing it as a signal rather than a character flaw?

What if acknowledging the grief beneath the anger could become an invitation to heal the sadness and hidden wounds that have been building for a very long time?

Some Tools That Can Help

Mindfulness & Meditation: Start with 5–10 minutes of guided breath awareness daily. Apps like Insight Timer or Headspace are great places to start. For anxiety or rising anger, use the 4-7-8 breath (inhale for 4 seconds, hold 7, exhale 8)—three cycles whenever you sense emotions rising.

Boundaries: Get in touch with what are your new priorities and what old habits or people are you ready to engage less with? Be real; let go of being “nice.” If you don’t look out for yourself, who will? Isn’t it time?

Journaling: Putting grief into words externalizes it, (and reboots the left prefrontal cortex, Pennebaker, 1997).  Some prompts such as:

• “Future Self, what should I know now about releasing old grief?”
• “What have I lost in the last five years?”
• “What dreams keep me up at night?”

Consider free writing for 15 minutes, unedited, three times a week.

Somatic Therapies (Yoga, Dance, Bodywork):  Try gentle (or trauma-sensitive) yoga classes, ecstatic dance sessions designed for midlife women, or somatic bodywork to restore a sense of internal calm and safety. Chronic grief can lock the nervous system into defensive “fight” mode, according to the Polyvagal Theory (Porges, 2011). Gentle movement and breath-supported poses can help.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)  CBT identifies and reframes upsetting thoughts (“I’ll never be happy again”), replacing them with better alternatives (“I’m sad and angry, but I can build new joy”) (Beck, 2011). Keep a “thought log,” chronicling triggers, old beliefs, and calming counter-statements. Whether through a workbook or trusted therapist, this can be very effective.

Cultivate Creativity: Choose a weekend afternoon for intuitive art. Choose tones that reflect your mood. Whether it’s painting, sculpting, collage, music, you are expressing and integrating deep emotions using nonverbal pathways (Malchiodi, 2005). Then look at what you’ve created, and what you’ve released.

Connect with a Group: Too often women feel alone in these changes, and that something is wrong with them. Hearing other women talk about similar grief-rage experiences can be a huge relief and deeply validating (Rando, 1984). A fun group that is resonating with many women is on Instagram @justbeingmelani and her “We Do Not Care” Club. Check it out – you may find yourself laughing out loud!

Into Real Life:  Try the activities - there is no set itinerary - listen to your body and mix it up. You can explore something new every time. Play with:

• 10-minute morning mindfulness + 15-minute journaling
• Gardening or walking in nature
• CBT thought-log session
• 4-7-8 breath-work
• Free-form creative art play
• Set up or join a women’s group meetup or at least connect with a supportive friend
• Restorative yoga + reflective journaling

The aim isn’t more obligations to “get done,” but unmasking rage and trying new things to find what works for you.

Befriending Grief to Temper Rage

Rage, when viewed as unprocessed grief, transforms us from being critical and reactive to being curious and more compassionate for what we went through. We are not stuck nor “losing it”– it’s the opposite. Rage can be the doorway to get to know ourselves, our emerging priorities and our commitment to a more joy-filled life.

So, let’s start at the beginning: get good support, be tender with yourself and put your wellbeing first. See how understanding anger, resolving old hurts/grief, and adopting good boundaries can heal the past and become the portal to a calmer, healthier and happier now.

In that space of opened heartedness, we can discover renewed purpose, greater resilience, and the freedom to shape the next chapter with both power and peace.